In family caregiving circles we hear a lot about the word support. Family caregivers regularly seek supportive relationships with other family caregivers. What support does not do however, is change the circumstances under which we are living. It does not relieve us from some of our caregiving responsibilities. That’s the work of a different word — and that word is: HELP.
Providing help is something that family caregivers do every day. Often times we want to handle all caregiving chores in an effort to make things happen. Sometimes we view constant activity as a sign of strength and passivity as a sign of weakness. Often times the reverse is true. We need to learn how to define the help we need (PDF) and then to ask for help.
If we are constantly struggling, perhaps the universe is trying to tell us something. We have the right and the obligation, to ourselves, to reach out and seek help. Help can come in many forms such as:
- Others pitching in and taking over simple chores.
- Employers willing to work with you in balancing responsibilities and work schedules.
- Acquiring educational materials to help you make sound decisions.
Researchers believe that only 2% of caregiving employees actually utilize the programs that are available to them and it is critically important to find out why. It is not a simple question. Part of the answer may lie in the nature of most of the programs being offered and part may be related to the psychology of what it means to be a family caregiver. If you are a family caregiver in the work place, try to reach out to the help that may be there waiting for you.
Identifying the HELP you need
Start by making a list of your individual caregiving-related tasks which can be easily delegated to others. By identifying specific needs and tasks it will make asking for help much easier and will enable you to reach out for help more efficiently.
Help can be found as close as your family members and friends. Perhaps you belong to a church whose congregation has networks of volunteers who would be willing to relieve you for an afternoon of respite or possibly provide a much deserved meal.
Check out NFCA’s Tips and Tools or agencies and organizations for local help. Once you have taken the first step of recognizing that caregiving is far too big a task to undertake alone, you can begin to determine and evaluate where specifically your needs for help lie.
Some tasks are easier to ask for help with than others:
- Running errands
- Household chores
- Providing occasional meals
- Carpooling of young children and/or babysitting
Employed Family Caregivers Deserve Help
- If you work for a company with 50 or more employees ask your human resource department or supervisor to provide you with complete information regarding benefits you are entitled to under the Family and Medical Leave Act.
- When talking with your employer about your situation explain that you need some flexibility because of your family caregiving responsibilities. Have a plan for making up time or meeting deadlines. Know that whatever arrangements are put in place they need to work for everyone involved.
- Request clarification on exactly what the sick leave and vacation policy is and what you can apply toward the time off you need to deal with family caregiving responsibilities.
- Keep an emergency contact list with you at work of information, doctors and resources you may need to call on for help.
Don’t Forget Emotional Help
Whether you seek out an organized support group, speak to your religious leader, or turn to trusted family member or friend, we all need someone to talk to. To do this, first be honest with yourself and be willing to share your hopes and fears. Sharing ideas enables you to receive feedback and often that can give you clarity and solutions to a given problem. Talking about your fears and insecurities or your hopes and dreams can strengthen troubleshooting skills and create constructive goals giving hope for the future. For some this may be difficult, but the rewards of sharing and conversation can be invaluable.
But I feel GUILTY
Feeling guilty implies you have done something wrong and there is absolutely nothing wrong in striving for a better quality of life. Many feel guilty even thinking they can't juggle everything themselves. How many of us simply believe no one else can do their job as well as we can. Do not forget that the totality of family caregiving, like all jobs, is made up of lots of individual tasks, not all of which have the same importance, or require the same skills.
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, because it is an acknowledgement of the difficulty of the situation at hand. Sometimes that is not always an easy thing to do; however, we owe it to ourselves and our families to really try. You will both be better off if you learn to:
- Put guilt aside.
- Overcome negative self talk and insecurities.
- Ask for the help you need and accept help that is offered.
- Recognize and accept that you have a RIGHT to time off.
It has been said, “It takes a village to raise a child,” the same holds true for family caregiving. It is far too important of a job to go it alone.
Reach out and ask for HELP!
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