The Family Caregiver Forum
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Welcome to the NFCA's Family Caregiver Forum - a place where all family caregivers can post questions, receive support and communicate with others.
thehappyhermit
Posts: 48
Joined: Jan 2010
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Monday July 26, 2010 12:11 PM
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Right now I would love to grab this woman by the head and pull all her hair out!!!!
Or place my foot so far up her *** that I would have to open her mouth to tie my shoe!!
I am talking about our friends sister PAM!!!
I went up to the nursing home today and there she was, sitting on his bed looking smug. This is the same woman who caused me all the trouble before. The same woman who called adult protection services on me when our friend fell in the bath room and broke his ribs. (Which was found to be a accident and the whole thing was dropped the same day)
Well I saw her and thought to myself that she isn't worth my time, so I ignored her as much as possible. I asked our friend how he was doing, then PAM started.
She demanded to know why he was up here. I told her for therapy, she said yea right, She told me that our friend wanted out of here and to die in his own home. (UP TILL NOW HE WAS FINE, HE LIKED THE PLACE, THAT WAS UNTIL THAT DUMB A** TOLD HIM HE WAS IN A NURSING HOME!!) I told her I would not discuss this in front of our friend, and I would not argue with her since we are on a floor that is filled with people with dementia. Then she flat out said YES WE WILL DISCUSS THIS, RIGHT HERE AND NOW! SHE TOLD ME THAT OUR FRIEND WANTED HER TO BE POA, but our friend reached up and touched my arm and whispered to me he wanted me to be poa, I patted his hand and told him not to worry about it I told my friend that I would see him later and walked out the door, trying to be the bigger person. Not to mention that us bickering would only upset our friend more.
Well as I was going down the hall I noticed Pam right on my tail, so to avoid a argument in the parking lot. (I'm 43 and shes in her 60's wouldn't that look cute to adult women fighting in the parking lot) I turned right and went into the social workers office, and told the s-worker that I had to leave and that if our friend was upset later to call me and I would come up and calm him down, then PAM came in the door. Needless to say it was a arguement for the next half an hour, And it still amazes me how one woman can LIE as much as she did and her nose not grow one inch!!!!!
SHE SAID===
1) that we almost killed him when he fell in the bathroom and broke his ribs, saying it was my fault!
2) that we ran off anyone who tried to visit our friend!!!
3) we took his farm away from him
4) we spent all him money
5) my husband was cruel to him
6) that when she took care of him he was always clean and well fed!! (she had him for seven days!!!!! SEVEN DAYS!!!)
7) we refused to let him use the phone. ( WE ONLY DID THIS WHEN HE WAS OUT OF IT)
8) WE REFUSED TO TAKE HIM ANYWHERE ( he wanted to go to town at 2am)
anyway this goes on and on and on, I finally told the s-worker that I was leaving, and that I would not listen to anymore of PAM'S lies. and I left.
I really really really really HATE THAT WOMAN!!!!!!!!!
WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I DIDN'T PUT HIM IN THERE TO BE MEAN I PUT HIM IN THERE SO HE WOULD BE BETTER TAKEN CARE OF!!!!!!
HOW CAN SHE COMPARE 7 DAYS TO YEARS OF TAKING CARE OF HIM???? HOW!!!
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myonly
Posts: 311
Joined: Apr 2010
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Monday July 26, 2010 1:55 PM
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Oh, happyhermit, what a horrible experience!!!!! I, too, would not have behaved as calmly, and it was GREAT thinking to turn into the s-worker's office. A parking lot encounter would have been disasterous. Don't ever let her try to corner you that way! You really thought on your feet! Good for you in how you handled the situation.
I know it's easy for me to say, but try to erase that whole mess out of your mind. When an ignorant person is just talking out of their butt, you just want to trounce them. But that helps no one. The s-worker also recognized her for the fool she is, too (that type of person is not hard to spot, once you get them talking!).
Try to enjoy the time you have with your family, now, and know that you are a FANTASTIC caregiver!!! To put up with everything, and then to have to deal with ridiculous family members of his, says a lot about the great person you are. He is blessed to have you on his side!! We do all we can, and God will take care of what we cannot. If I didn't believe this, I'd have thrown in the towel long ago!
Take good care of yourself. Great to hear from you! Stay strong.
Love,
Gaby
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thehappyhermit
Posts: 48
Joined: Jan 2010
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Monday July 26, 2010 1:59 PM
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your right.... I just need to calm down, it just really ticks me off to be attacked like that. But if there really is a thing such as karma, I really hope I see PAM get hers.
Right now I am waiting for my attorney to call back, If she is going to start things up again I want to be prepared, and if she attacks me again I am going to see about a restraining order.
And if she upsets our friend again, steps will have to be taken. And as much as I DISLIKE her, I can not and will not bar her from visiting him, (she is after all his sister, even though she is a poor excuse for one) But if it comes down to it, I might have to insist on supervised visits.
I just cant get over her lie's, and she didn't even blink twice as she told one right after the other.
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thehappyhermit
Posts: 48
Joined: Jan 2010
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Tuesday July 27, 2010 9:56 AM
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Thanks everyone, I've had time to calm down, and after rethinking yesterdays events I realized she was the one who looked like a fool not me.
I still have a hard time understanding how someone can lie so easily and still live with themselves.
But she has some kind of vendetta against me, and yet my only crime was that our friend wanted me as poa and us to have the farm , not her.
I talked to our attorney yesterday (our attorney is my husbands friend and bless his heart he has never charged us one dime threw any of this) he refers to PAM as "that control freak" He told me not to worry, and that he would go to the nursing home and talk to the s-worker and our friend to see what is going on.
My biggest worry is that she is blackmailing him into changing poa's, she might tell him if he doesn't make her poa she will not come see him anymore, or since his mind is in such a confused state she might be putting thoughts in his head. and with his dementia and mental state what ever is told to him he has a hard time telling the difference between the truth and a lie.
so for today its a wait and see game.
But I will be going up to the nursing home tomorrow, and even though I am calm now, I might be back on here tomorrow ranting and raving again. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. LOL bless you all.
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thehappyhermit
Posts: 48
Joined: Jan 2010
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Tuesday July 27, 2010 4:34 PM
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DAVE, I have tried to see it threw her eyes, yet as for her sisterly concern, I have known our friend for over 18 years and my husband longer, we have lived with him for several years and the first time i ever met Pam was a little over a year ago, and she only lives 20 miles away. And in her conversations she always mentions money, yet she has failed to realize HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY! we are paying his bills, and our friend use to let others dump there trash here, so there is piles and piles of junk and old tires all over the place, if she only realized how much it is going to cost to get rid of all that crap she might back off. But in her mind she must think he buried his money in the yard or something. Or she thinks he has a large life insurance policy, Even though I told her before he only has a 10,000 one and that burying him will take most of that.
But like the s-worker said "she seems more concerned with the farm than her brothers well being."
oh well, I'll let you know how it goes during tomorrows visit.
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thehappyhermit
Posts: 48
Joined: Jan 2010
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Tuesday August 10, 2010 12:23 AM
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two weeks and still no PAM 
thats the good news.
the bad news is
our friend is spiting blood, after two chest x-rays they have started him on meds for ammonia (I know thats spelled wrong) He said he feels find just tired.
They also had to move him into another room, it would seem he isn't getting along with his room mate. Our friend keeps yelling at everyone, and his room mate has Alzheimer's and has the mind set of a four year old, and our friend has made him cry on more than once. Not to mention he yells at the other people on his floor as well.
he is refusing to take his meds, he is giving the staff a ruff way to go, and he has demanded twice for me to get him the he** out of there. He was so mean today when I went up that I cut my visit short.
He is also hallucinating more, whether it be from him not taking meds or ammonia, But he swears that they (the home) is keeping his brother in law in a small room by the nurses station and making him eat his meals in a dog dish, and even after I took him to the so called room and showed him no one was in there he insisted that they must of moved him before I came up. That is just one hallucination, there are a lot more....A LOT MORE.
I got a call from the home this after noon, because our friend wanted to talk to me, and of course he was cussing me out and demanding I come get him right now, then the nurse got on the phone and explained that he was out of it and they thought it might calm him down if he got to talk to me, and that he had originally wanted to call his sister PAM (((heres the good part)))) But she said that after reading his chart they decided against allowing him to call her because they didn't want her to start trouble. NOW I AM CURIOUS TO FIND OUT WHAT HIS CHART HAS TO SAY ABOUT PAM AND WHO WROTE IT.
I know this sounds petty but it made my day to here that
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myonly
Posts: 311
Joined: Apr 2010
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Tuesday August 10, 2010 11:12 PM
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I'm with Dave...I guess they're hoping for a solution, albeit short-term, that will defuse his rants. But it has to be incredibly upsetting for you, and they should be speaking with a doctor who could get things under control, from a medical standpoint. If it's not one challenge, it's another, no?
Suffice it to say that Pam is probably on their blacklist. It probably didn't take much for them to see her true colors.
Take good care of yourself, happyhermit. You're going above-and-beyond with respect to his care. I hope you are proud of all the time, effort, and thoughtfulness you've put into his care. And like Dave says, try to tune out the present tangents. Hopefully he will rebound mentally soon.
Prayers for you,
Gaby
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thehappyhermit
Posts: 48
Joined: Jan 2010
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Wednesday August 11, 2010 12:28 PM
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sssshhhhhheeeees back.
after a two week absents the dreaded Pam has made her return.
I went up to see our friend and he was not in his room, so I asked the nurse where he was, she said he was sitting on the porch with his sister. I told her that I had best leave to avoid a possible scene, and she laughed and said she knew what I ment. But she did tell me his sister was talking about him signing some kind of paper. ((we all know the paper is the POA)) So I just turned and left. I refuse to allow that woman to force me into another argument.
when I got home I called the social worker for the nursing home, and she told me that his sister was taking him out for lunch, and hopefully she will see first hand some of his behavior problems. ((but we all know they never act up when we need them to)) The SS worker also told PAM that if she is thinking of taking him to see a lawyer that she HAS to tell them of his inability to make rational decisions.
But the up side is the nursing home has been keeping track of his behavior and all the new meds. So if she does try something I can fight it claiming he wasn't in a fit state of mind. Which he is not, and it explains why PAM is trying to pull the crap now.
I am so tired of this drama.........
now its time for me to spout some petty vindictive non scents. Please bear with me because I am pissed and just plain irritated.
If she did get POA........
1) I would call medicaid and cancel his application....let her fight with these people, and spend hours on the phone, and do the hours of paper work.
2) I would NOT give her any information that I had to find, dig up, and track down. She can have the fun I had when I had to call all sorts of people to find his insurance policy's, his birth certificate, and military records.
3) She will have to find a new hospital bed, that means she will have to work with the VA and go threw all of their paper work....And wait weeks on end for some kind of answer.
4) Then she will be stuck with the $15,000 nursing home bill!
sometimes I think it would of been nice if she would of just said one time, "Thanks for taking care of my brother all these years" but no, all I get is some woman sick and twisted mind trying to take some sort of revenge on me for doing what his own family would not do....
Now I would never wish someone's life away, but if aliens wonted to abduct her and drop her off on some desert planet with out food and water, and inhabited with flesh eating monsters that only ate people whose name start with a P....Well lets just say... I wouldn't have a problem with that...lol (I am allowed to day dream)
thanks for letting vent....and rage.....and just talk silly.
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rzxq2y
Posts: 1603
Joined: Jun 2009
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Wednesday August 11, 2010 8:31 PM
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Hi, happyhermit,
Any update on what happened with Pam and your friend? I hope that Pam did not succeed in changing his PoA. A lawyer will not do that knowing he is not of sound mind. Although a PoA only needs witnesses, not necessarily a lawyer, the PoA is not valid since the nursing home staff can witness that he is not of sound mind, My daughter, who studied law, told me that PoA and will are valid only if the person is of sound mind and not coerced. I remember that he took you and your husband to his lawyers office and made the will and PoA. So even if Pam and someone contests, his lawyer can be the witness that he was of sound mind and not coerced.
Pam probably thinks that if she gets his PoA, she gets the control of his money and properties. First of all, as you said, he does not have any. Secondly, for whatever he has, she can only spend on his interest, not her interest. Since he is applying for Medicaid, she cannot sell his house and put the money somewhere else except in his account.
Hope that she will learn her lesson some dday.
Best Regards,
Min-Shih
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