The Family Caregiver Forum
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Welcome to the NFCA's Family Caregiver Forum - a place where all family caregivers can post questions, receive support and communicate with others.
grammagill
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2010
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Wednesday January 27, 2010 2:17 PM
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My husband and I lived in Florida. We both had very good paying jobs, a home, and family there. My widowed, 88 year old Mother-In-Law included. We spent all week working at our jobs, and weekends, taking care of my Mother-In-Laws home. Our own home taking a back seat, because my husband felt obligated in keeping his mother's home & yard the way she liked it. At the time she owned a large 4 bedroom, two story house. After lots of encouragement on our part, we talked her into selling this large home. She bought a small, two bedroom, one story home, in an adult community. We were in the hopes that she could manage this home by herself. Were we ever wrong. We discovered she was letting a 78 yr. old female neighbor, take care of her lawn, flower beds, make her meals, and even walk her dog.
You see, my Mother-In-Law is very eccentric, "unlike her three children, and myself." She was the wife of a Military Officer. Accustomed to having a maid, going to military social events. Playing bridge, and golf, and holding dinner parties for Military Officers and wives, and attending dinner's held by other's. Truly engaged in the role she played. And while she enjoyed her social life, her oldest of three children, "all are 7 year's apart," found herself caring for both of her younger siblings. And today holds a grudge against her mother because of this. "Hence" even though she lives a short distance from us, she offers no help with her mother's care.
Once a year we would load my Mother-In-Law, ourselves, and luggage into the SUV, drive 9 hour's, and spend a week in the North Georgia Mountains with my eldest Sister-in-law. We love it here, clean air, change of the seasons, cool in winter, just our type of place. We would talk about retiring here. During one of our talk sessions about wanting to one day live here in N. Georgia, my Mother-in-law was present. We returned home to Florida. A couple of weeks went by, the phone rang, it was my Mother-in-law. She called to tell us, she sold her home, said we could now move to N. Georgia. "Oh My Gosh," what do we do now? She had misunderstood, and thought we were going to sell our home, and move. And she wanted to go with us. (Not funny at the time, we laugh about it now.)
I'll shorten this a bit by saying, we bought a house in N. Georgia, quit our jobs, put our Florida home on the market, and moved. We are here now almost 4 year's.
I find myself here at this forum because I find myself often feeling so dang frustrated, isolated, and depressed with being shut in 24-7. And will write more on this issue in another post.
Until then, looking forward to taking part in this community.
God Bless all the caretakers here.
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Life is an echo. What you send out, you get back. What you give, you get.
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grammagill
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2010
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Wednesday January 27, 2010 3:12 PM
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Thank you for such a warm welcome deliciasmommy. I have been reading your post, and I can feel your pain. At one point in my life I was married to a man that was narcissistic. He thought only of himself, was never wrong, nothing was ever his fault, and he was extremely controlling, and verbally abusive.
After many year's of marriage I knew something had to change. Unlike you, I had no children at home. But I was afraid of leaving, of being alone, of having to make it on my own. But one day I found the courage, left and never looked back. This was the best thing I ever did for me. His abuse left me with severe panic attacks. I take an antidepressant keeping them at bay.
Today remarried, and very, very happy. Change can be a scary thing, but often a good thing. I learned to dislike, and despise my x husband. I think when that happens, we stop loving, and it may be time for moving on.
Wishing you luck with your dilemma
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Life is an echo. What you send out, you get back. What you give, you get.
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rzxq2y
Posts: 1603
Joined: Jun 2009
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Wednesday January 27, 2010 7:21 PM
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Hi, grammagill,
Welcome to the forum! This is a great place to meet friends, share ideas, and supporting each other in cyber space. Wow, what a life change experience you have. Whether a misunderstanding or not, your mother-in-law's act on her own made your and your husband to retire to move!
I am kind of like a nomad in this forum. I wrote in different threads but never created a thread of my own to talk about myself. I have introduced myself in these different threads, and perhaps too many times. So let me at least briefly introduce myself. I am retired, for a different reason. My wife was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and it progressed pretty quickly. I was close to my retirement age, so I decided to stop working and spend more time with my wife to treasure whatever quality of life we have left. She only has limited mobility, balance, and speech, so she cannot be left alone in the house except when she takes a nap or when she is on her computer. Those are the times when I can run errands and do my exercises. Otherwise, I am in the house almost 24x7. I am ok with that. But I am glad that I found this forum several months ago. Here, I can make friends and maintain my outside contacts without leave the house.
Indeed it is so true in what you said in your other post that we should let our loved ones do what they can as much as possible. This is especially the case for people with Parkinsons disease. If they do not use part of their ability, they will lose it and they may not be able to get it back. It has been a challenge for me to figure out as when to help my wife and when not to. When in doubt, I have to err on the safe side if her own safety is at issue. Over time, I have found that I have made some mistakes by helping her too much. I remember reading somewhere to take charge but not to take over
I am looking forward to hearing from you again, please stay in touch.
Best Regards,
Min-Shih
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grammagill
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2010
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Friday January 29, 2010 11:40 AM
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Thank you rzxq2y for the warm welcome. I have read your post. You come across as a very brave, compassionate, loving, & caring man. You seem to be more of a sounding board for other's. Often the best thing one can do, is listen, not give advice, but send encouragement instead.
I truly find myself enjoying this forum, maybe spending a bit more time here then I should be. It is giving me an outlet I have so long needed. A time for being in touch with not only other's in similar situations, but a short escape from the every day same ol- same ol, routine.
Yesterday was a good day. My husband having a day off, we went shopping together, just the two of us. I treasure each moment we can find alone together. As most of the time his mother is present. When he comes home from work, his mother seems to need all of his attention. And I do accept this, as her time with him now, may be less then my own, given her age.
I commend you, for being there for your wife. So many men would just walk away.
Have a blessed day
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Life is an echo. What you send out, you get back. What you give, you get.
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rzxq2y
Posts: 1603
Joined: Jun 2009
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Saturday January 30, 2010 4:35 PM
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HI, grammagill,
Thank you very much for your kind words. I am far from what you described. But fortunately I am quite demostic and I am a decent caregiver. Actually, there are quite a few males caregivers in this forum, most of them in more difficult sitiuations than I am.
Yes, I agree with you that most of us want an outlet, and a sounding board. I am retired and I do have a bit more time on hand than most here. I am a technical persn, so inevitibly I do listen and encourage, but also do give my unsolicited advice.
I am glad that you had a good day with your husband. It is so gracious of you to think that his time after work is to be with his mother. Hope that you are having a good weekend.
Best Regards,
Min-Shih
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